January 3, 2018
It made sense. I’d write my Santa list like a grant proposal. My landlady muttered about them when she worked for nonprofits. You ask for the most outrageous stuff first, then work down to what you actually hope to get. So first on my list, I want a cottage by the sea. My landlady would take me for more walks if we lived in a cottage by the sea. She could pick up stuff on the beach. You wouldn’t believe the crap she picks up. We’re surrounded by rotting kelp, dead fish, guano, a feast for the entire snout, and she’s picking up abalone shells. People. Anyway, next, a Maserati Levante. I’d look adorable in a Levante. Then, a case of aged lox, some rabbit hiking boots and finally, my secret desire. A cat. And this is what I get. Oh well. Maybe Santa thought the list was unreasonable. Funding sources can be picky that way.